I'm at that point where I'm doing things out of spite. I'm unhappy with a lot going on in my life. It seems like I can't control it no matter what I do. It's this spinning effect like at a theme park. But only I want it to stop. This constant back and forth back forth above the ground it's getting old and the truth is I just want to put my feet down and feel something....Feel anything. It hard living day to day with these emotions. They sometimes can be heavier then any burden I've carried. I used to be so strong willed, Dominant and had that whole "I don't give a fuck" mentality but now I tend to be more sensitive then anything. And it's driving me so insane. I'd give anything just to feel what I used to. Just simple moments of udder bliss. The feeling of being wanted of being important. What I would give. My personal needs aren't met my self confidence is shot to oblivion. And all I can find myself wanting to do is to run away. I had more to say but .....my lack of constant thought is making it hard. Until another day.
Monday, March 2, 2009
I'm 21 years old and I've made tons of choices out the knowledge that I would regret them later. I go over every angle in my head. Almost like if it's second nature to make the best choice. But with one particular part of my life it's impossible for me to just shut off and let the pieces fall as they may. I have a goal. I have a plan a dream that somewhere inside of me just does not end. A lot of the things I've done in the last year have been done in vain. Sometimes I search myself and ask if it's worth it. And that answer always seems to escape me. My feelings for him won't cease. Nothing I do makes them diminish. And always so persuasively he creeps back into my world just to disable all steps I'd taken to not let him effect me anymore. It's maddening. He has a way to twist and use me for his copulation and personal satisfaction. It's a false sense of meaning when someone stares at you tells you they love you they miss you and then crawl back to the arms of someone that is an insult compaired to the memory of our relationship. Experiences have a lasting impression maybe thats why he is trying to recreate what he had in a lesser form. Who am I fooling? I'm being naive to think that he'll mature anytime soon. I know the outcome before the end. I wish I could skip forward to avoid my despair. My future is unknown but this unrelenting feeling that we're not threw what we were meant to do never goes away. Let's hope I can find some sense of understanding to help cope with this emotion I don't know how to handle.
"What's this feeling I feel? This feeling that makes my skin tingle. This feeling that makes my body move. This feeling that makes me breathe harder at the thought of you. What's this feeling I feel? I wonder if this feeling is real."