Monday, March 2, 2009
The Truth is Hard to Swallow
I'm 21 years old and I've made tons of choices out the knowledge that I would regret them later. I go over every angle in my head. Almost like if it's second nature to make the best choice. But with one particular part of my life it's impossible for me to just shut off and let the pieces fall as they may. I have a goal. I have a plan a dream that somewhere inside of me just does not end. A lot of the things I've done in the last year have been done in vain. Sometimes I search myself and ask if it's worth it. And that answer always seems to escape me. My feelings for him won't cease. Nothing I do makes them diminish. And always so persuasively he creeps back into my world just to disable all steps I'd taken to not let him effect me anymore. It's maddening. He has a way to twist and use me for his copulation and personal satisfaction. It's a false sense of meaning when someone stares at you tells you they love you they miss you and then crawl back to the arms of someone that is an insult compaired to the memory of our relationship. Experiences have a lasting impression maybe thats why he is trying to recreate what he had in a lesser form. Who am I fooling? I'm being naive to think that he'll mature anytime soon. I know the outcome before the end. I wish I could skip forward to avoid my despair. My future is unknown but this unrelenting feeling that we're not threw what we were meant to do never goes away. Let's hope I can find some sense of understanding to help cope with this emotion I don't know how to handle.
"What's this feeling I feel? This feeling that makes my skin tingle. This feeling that makes my body move. This feeling that makes me breathe harder at the thought of you. What's this feeling I feel? I wonder if this feeling is real."