Thursday, November 12, 2009

Bad fucking list.

Somehow it feels I'm getting more frustrated
With every tongue tied, wild eyed, overrated
Narcissistic, self absorbed spawn of a generation bored

Want to see you vulnerable, I am not your equal
Ruling with an iron fist, and you are on my bad list
A routine casualty
Razor sharp beauty queens
Bridges built are bridges burned
You will get what you deserve

What did they do,
That made you so awful
Why do you say,
The stupid things you do
The ones you've hurt,
I hope they hurt you too
The things you've done,
Will eat away at you

And now I think I'm done caring
Too many mindless, self obsessed, overbearing
Misogynistic, plastic hearts
Can't wait to see you torn apart


You've made this list,
You won't be missed
You'll have to learn,
Some things you don't deserve


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Finding the words

So it's pretty freakin early in the god damned morning. And I'm sitting here wondering why the holy hell I'm not in bed. But the truth is My sleep pattern is all jacked to wack from being in Las Vegas. Which by the way was fucking amazing. But that's a totallt different story.

So have you ever thought of something, something random then that same day or next day whatever you thought of you see or you hear or someone else brings it up? I just had that moment. I thought about the movie Center Stage. Nothing amazing about this movie I actually own it on DVD and VHS but I haven't thought about this movie in years. And it's what....6:00am and It's on HBO. Man what a great mind fuck to another tragic day in my life. Actually today shouldn't be that bad. I don't have to go to work for 10 days because I'm going on vacation yet again. I honestly need a break.

Nothing extremely important about this post other then I'm experiencing some odd emotions. I think I'm going to create a sex blog. hmmm yes.


Thursday, April 30, 2009

Loosing the heartbeat

I feel it, the guilt now
It washes over me
Resides in my consciousness it's complicating me
All that you had to say was never get to close to me
I might have thought my actions through
My rash decisions will prove that now it's all too late

Below the surface is where this hurt lives
I cannot mend I just divide
Inside, it's mine

I'd like to think that I could damage you from within
But I gave up and it's obvious some things go way past sin
Caught in the undertow, a victim of a counterblow
And now I'm back with these shattered nerves and emptiness that I deserve
Now it's all too late
Wishing I could move time

Just get, just get out
Now I, must live without
Can't seem to fix what I've broken down
Worn out and now, I just don't care
Stripped down to the girl I must repair
You made me do things I didn't like, unfair
Now you forget what I tasted like
And you pretend out of spite
Did you forget the depths of my eyes as you stared and said you wouldn't compromise?
Trying to take what you wanted most, you didn't even come close
Now I will stand here in control and never fall again
And never fall again

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


The radio is playing our old song again
To remind me of times when I thought
The day would never end
I knew this was coming
I thought I could change this
I knew you weren't coming
But that's what insincerity brings me

Visions of you

I have to tell you
I think that I've been haunted
I want to find you
Because I think it's you who haunts me
I never trusted that you would fully come clean
But now we're even because I don't think you trust me

I felt that something wasn't right
You never let me in your life
I knew that something isn't right today
Because you still haunt me

But I know
Because you still haunt me

I have to tell you
I think that I've been haunted
I want to find you
Because I think it's you who haunts me
I never trusted that you would fully come clean
But now we're even because I don't think you trust me

The radio keeps playing our old song again
To remind me of times when I thought
The day would never end
I knew you would go
Because things just haven't been the same since that day
Was it because of what I said?
I knew this was coming
Thought I'd have power to delay certain change
But that's what insincerity brings me

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Sense enough

"Those eyes those eyes that saw something no kid should never see. Those kids eyes looked into me looked threw me it's the worst thing I'd ever seen"

Today something hit me something that I try not to think about but when it happens it really bothers me. I hate it when someone you care about lies directly to your face. And honestly being lied to really is not that bad. Because being lied to means you don't know the truth. And then there the truth can't hurt you. But I'm stuck here remembering how it feels to be lied to when you know what they were saying is in fact a lie. But what's worse then even that is being lied to...then fighting out "later" that it was a lie. Nothing stings more. Nothing so unforgivable but yet...I forgive the ones I should not forgive.

It's a plague

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


Disappointed - Obsolete. inadequately appointed

I've got a complex about who I am...or well who I appear to be. I know who I am what I like and what I want. But I can't know what I'm going to be feeling everyday of my life for the rest of my life. Everyday is a new day. But I like to move I like to sway. Fallout is nice and fuck but it's drama I can't relax because of the people. And the only time I can is when I'm on the floor by myself swinging, stepping, swaying, dancing. But I would like to enjoy that kind of experience with people that are important to me. Sometimes I do at fallout but it's always the same ol' same ol'. I want to be out of my element and just dance. I want to sweat and express my feelings. And be something other then who I am. I want to be the girls other girls stare at because I'm experiencing more threw the beat of a song then they have during every sexual incounter they have ever had. I'm never intoxicated or self medicated. I'm just high off the energy running threw my veins. Threw the base threw the beat.

I've noticed that voices thrill me. I mean I've always known it but I have come to realize it more so now that I'm older. I'll be moving my hips to a beat then the words will come out in such a sexual tone that I'll tilt my head back and breath heavyer. It's a new way for me to please myself. Sounds so weird when I read it over but it's true. My pulse beats faster but breathing faster but deeper. And if the right person came up and touched me the right way or said the right thing. I would have them against a wall so fast. Expressing my feelings threw my body language. And or my mouth... Maybe I need to get laid...Yes I think thats it.

"Whatca gonna tell her after she discovers you don't really love her"

Moments like these

I'm at a moment and it's moments like these were the world is spinning and I have no escape. I have all this amazing stuff that I want to write down late at night. But I get in bed I just don't want to move. And then end up coming to this block....This block I'm in now. Maybe something will come to me within the next few minutes.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I'm at that point

I'm at that point where I'm doing things out of spite. I'm unhappy with a lot going on in my life. It seems like I can't control it no matter what I do. It's this spinning effect like at a theme park. But only I want it to stop. This constant back and forth back forth above the ground it's getting old and the truth is I just want to put my feet down and feel something....Feel anything. It hard living day to day with these emotions. They sometimes can be heavier then any burden I've carried. I used to be so strong willed, Dominant and had that whole "I don't give a fuck" mentality but now I tend to be more sensitive then anything. And it's driving me so insane. I'd give anything just to feel what I used to. Just simple moments of udder bliss. The feeling of being wanted of being important. What I would give. My personal needs aren't met my self confidence is shot to oblivion. And all I can find myself wanting to do is to run away. I had more to say but lack of constant thought is making it hard. Until another day.


Monday, March 2, 2009

The Truth is Hard to Swallow

I'm 21 years old and I've made tons of choices out the knowledge that I would regret them later. I go over every angle in my head. Almost like if it's second nature to make the best choice. But with one particular part of my life it's impossible for me to just shut off and let the pieces fall as they may. I have a goal. I have a plan a dream that somewhere inside of me just does not end. A lot of the things I've done in the last year have been done in vain. Sometimes I search myself and ask if it's worth it. And that answer always seems to escape me. My feelings for him won't cease. Nothing I do makes them diminish. And always so
persuasively he creeps back into my world just to disable all steps I'd taken to not let him effect me anymore. It's maddening. He has a way to twist and use me for his copulation and personal satisfaction. It's a false sense of meaning when someone stares at you tells you they love you they miss you and then crawl back to the arms of someone that is an insult compaired to the memory of our relationship. Experiences have a lasting impression maybe thats why he is trying to recreate what he had in a lesser form. Who am I fooling? I'm being naive to think that he'll mature anytime soon. I know the outcome before the end. I wish I could skip forward to avoid my despair. My future is unknown but this unrelenting feeling that we're not threw what we were meant to do never goes away. Let's hope I can find some sense of understanding to help cope with this emotion I don't know how to handle.


"What's this feeling I feel? This feeling that makes my skin tingle. This feeling that makes my body move. This feeling that makes me breathe harder at the thought of you. What's this feeling I feel? I wonder if this feeling is real."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

First Update!

So I've made this blog so I can update more without using LiveJournal which has way to much history. And also so I don't have to use Myspace because that has to much drama for it's own good.

I should be posting more soon!